Disclaimer: What you are about to read might be unsettling and unrelatable because in a world full of achievers I am mediocre, in a world full of extroverts I am an introvert. And this combination is disastrous.
To pen up to an audience is my attempt to tackle my mental health struggles with renewed vigour. Hence, I am going to narrate to you a few pieces of my heart, a few incidents that shaped my life with the utmost courage.
I have divided the movie of my life into phases with amusing nicknames.
Go ahead, read, immerse and indulge!
Phase 1, Childhood to adolescence, I like to call it the mixed fruit juice!
Its called so because then life was an amalgamation of things that are just a blur now. It was the phase that seeded in me insecurities and self-doubt.
I was the reticent kid hardly anyone knew about. Not many friends, a few strained interpersonal relationships in the family, and complex unresolved issues of child abuse had scarred my growing up years which resurfaced later as well.
Here starts phase 2 which I like to call Trajectories downhill.
So after recurrent failures in competitive exams, I really didn’t know how and what to do with what I was feeling during those times since a lot of my batchmates and friends were doing exceedingly well. It pushed me off the edge and instilled in me an inferiority complex. I could not break the cycle of mediocrity and after a compromised decision ended up pursuing graduation in a remote college.
I call this period trajectories downhill as the above-mentioned complexities throughout my life, aggravated in these years and I struggled with work and being accepted by peers.
A few months into it, my physical health deteriorated, and a toxic relationship added to the woes. Being surrounded by overachievers, I felt like a misfit, devoid of talent and skill. It made me feel miserable, I constantly regretted my actions, lost sleep and mental peace.
Later, I sought professional help, however, after a few visits, sessions were discontinued due to lack of communication. Eventually, with time, it did start getting better but not as much as I wanted it to.
Next comes the current phase of life, phase 3 which I like to call: clarity is a mirage.
Well, in this period, I graduated, was back home but at the crossroads of my life where I needed to decide if I sail the ship of my life towards a big career change.
I repeated my past mistakes, lacked dedication, escaped a tough path and chose something that didn’t incur as much financial burden on my parents as my undergraduate major. My mental health wasn’t stable, the ebb and flow of low confidence still affected me on most days, but I kept swimming somehow.
Even at this stage, my old friend mediocrity never left me. It made sure I did not get into the best college there was, instead enrol into whatever I could manage with my average skills. So here I am, still as uncertain as earlier. However, a few things have changed and I would like to highlight them.
Careerwise, I am taking steps that perhaps my younger self wouldn’t due to a lack of self-belief. I am trying to compare less, focus on my positives and shape my personality without compromising on my basic morals. It definitely is an attempt at redemption.
Now, I do not deflect the entire blame on destiny for my past mishaps and have come to realize that average mediocre people may not be good at a lot of things, can lack talent but they possess an immense amount of perseverance and resilience.
On a concluding note, I am beyond perfect, but at least till the time I can work around my tussle with mediocrity, it’s all good in the hood.
So here’s a list of confessions I have towards the end.
Yes, I might not be among the most diligent of the lot but I can still bring positive changes in others’ lives with sensitivity and empathy.
Yes, I might not be in the best possible college, haven’t succeeded financially yet but I have the potential to make things work to the best of my capabilities.
Yes, I might still be under-confident with a lot of weaknesses but now I don’t complain about them every day and view things through the gratitude lens.
Yes, I might still have the worst days reminiscing the scars and mistakes of the past but at least I have my lived experience to learn from.
Yes, I am a regular 25 years old millennial, mediocre with unfulfilled ambitions and dreams but at least I have hope and time on my side this time around!
This story is written by Aishwarya Rohatgi, who is a dentist, currently pursuing a Master’s in Public health from Delhi.